LOVE, MARRIAGE, PARTNERSHIP & COMMITTMENT

 

Dedication to My Husband

I want to take a moment to dedicate this blog to my incredible husband, Brian. Your unwavering support, love, and understanding have made all the difference in my life. You have stood by my side through thick and thin, showing me, what true partnership and love are all about.

Thank you for being my rock, my confidant, the maintenance guy, and my best friend. Your presence in my life has brought me contentment and a security I’ve never felt before. This blog, and everything I share here, is a testament to the wonderful journey we are on together. I am grateful for every moment we share and look forward to many more adventures with you by my side.

With all my love and appreciation,

Sondra

I've been married six times, and I acknowledge that this isn't something to take pride in. It's a source of personal shame, and I understand that some may judge me for it. However, I also see it as a testament to my resilience. Despite the heartbreaks and challenges, I never gave up on love and relationships. While many may choose to walk away after being hurt, I continued to believe in love and remained open to new possibilities.

Through six marriages and five divorces, I learned that, in the first five, I had little understanding of what marriage, compatibility, and partnership truly entailed. I often thought, "Oh, I love this guy, so we should get married," without considering the practical aspects of marital commitment or partnership. I never thought about what I wanted or needed from a partner. No one taught me what to look for in a mate, and, quite frankly, I didn't truly love myself. I lacked boundaries and had a poor sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

I was constantly seeking a 'white knight' who would magically erase the pain I carried inside; just like in the romance novels I devoured as a young adult. I needed someone to validate me and make me feel complete and worthwhile. I repeatedly gave away my power to people who didn't deserve my love or loyalty because, through them, I felt valued—until I didn't.

The biggest problem, which I eventually addressed in counseling, was that I didn't understand what 'love' really meant, nor did I know how to choose a partner with whom I could have a lasting relationship. I often met men I was attracted to (and called that love), entered into relationships, and hoped for the best. I made excuses for them and ignored red flags. Although each person initially seemed 'different,' I eventually realized they all reflected my own dysfunction.

I came to understand that I would never have a healthy relationship until I took a long, hard look at myself and fixed what was broken inside me. Attracting a healthy partner was impossible if I wasn't healthy myself. A hard lesson I learned is that we cannot fix anyone except ourselves. No matter how well you treat someone or how much you beg or plead for change (never do this), a person won't change and won't treat you decently—unless they want to.

I also realized that by choosing partners who were broken, I was so preoccupied with their toxicity and drama that I didn't have to address my own issues. Turning that mirror on myself was one of the scariest, most painful, and rewarding things I've ever done. The journey to self-love wasn't straightforward. It zigged, it zagged, and I accepted a lot of needless heartache along the way—until the last betrayal cut so deeply that I decided to stand up and fix myself. What emerged was a strong, independent (rather than co-dependent) woman who could stand on her own—but preferred to have a worthwhile partner.

I realized that no one can fill the empty, broken spaces within us, and no one completes us. We need to be whole, healthy individuals first and then find someone who complements us—someone who brings to the table the same things we can offer. Common interests, values, and life goals are also crucial when considering compatibility. It wasn't an easy journey, but even with all the traveling I've done, I definitely found it to be the most worthwhile one.

Love isn't just the giddy feeling you get when you're with someone. Love is changing the sheets without comment or complaint when your partner has COVID and couldn't control their bowels.

Partnership involves formulating a life plan and creating a map together to navigate where you want to go. It's coming up with a plan A, and when that doesn't work out, hammering out a plan B or C—together. It's doing what's best for the relationship and for each other. It's having each other's back. It's recognizing that your partner isn't perfect—because no human is—but that they're pretty awesome.

Commitment says, “I’m here for the long haul. I’m not leaving, and whatever comes our way, we’ll figure out solutions together.”

I regret that it took me so long to figure these things out, which might come easily to others. But I wouldn't trade the relationship I've had since 2019 with my husband for anything. When I became healthy, stopped ignoring red flags, and set reasonable expectations and boundaries, I was finally blessed with a terrific man.

After a few years, we discussed the possibility of marriage. At our age and with both of us having had previous failed marriages, we were in no rush to get to the altar and wondered why even bother? We both knew enough about marriage to know it doesn't make you love someone more, and it certainly doesn't make you stay if you want to leave. So, we consulted our attorney, who presented compelling legal reasons that made sense for us. In 2023, we decided to make it 'official.'

I'm happy to say that I've never had such an emotionally healthy relationship with a man who truly cares about my well-being and goes above and beyond. We both give our best to our relationship and to each other as individuals. Marriage isn't always easy, but with the right person, it provides a sense of contentment and security in partnership that's not found as a single person.

Through my journey, I learned that true love and partnership require more than just feelings. It demands self-awareness, mutual respect, and the willingness to grow together. The most rewarding relationships are built on a foundation of trust, shared values, and the commitment to face life's challenges hand in hand. While my path was winding and fraught with heartache, it ultimately led me to a place of genuine love and fulfillment. For that, I am forever grateful.