Dog Gone ...

My Parents went with me, the day of 'the event'. We spoke with the Vet and I made the decision to move ahead with putting Ranger to sleep.

I was shone a brochure for urns since I opted for cremation. I was asked if I wanted to be there. This had been his Vet for 3 years.

We had talked about this day for several years and each time I’d cry but say I wouldn’t let Ranger suffer. I plunked down wads of money, without comment. To any rational person, it was apparent how much I loved Ranger. Of course, I wanted to be there.

I was advised to go pay. One usually pays on the way out, but this made complete sense since I knew I'd just want to get out the door after it happened.

I left the room to pay. When I walked back in - my parents were sort of holding Ranger 'steady'. He was standing on the floor, but wobbly. They said the Vet had said to watch him as he'd be getting sleepy - the Vet had already given him the shot of anesthesia - while I was out of the room.

My initial emotion was one of shock he had begun without me. I dropped to the floor where I stood and called Ranger to me. He was awake, but groggy and fading fast. I held him in my arms cradled like a baby the whole time.

The Vet came back. Assured Ranger was out, he injected him with the meds to stop his heart. The days immediately following have been a blur. I cried a lot. My sense of grief and loss couldn't have been more if he had been human.

But after a time, I found, it wasn't so much the memories of Ranger that hurt. I could look at pictures and even laugh a bit or smile at things I'd remember -- but -- every time I pictured the vets office, I felt like I’d been punched in the gut and I’d break down in racking sobs.

At first, I thought I was feeling guilt. Did I do the right thing? Was it too soon? But logic told me - he wasn't getting better. He was uncomfortable - he now had blood in the stool. There was no amount of money that would fix him. I did the kindest thing even though it meant I now suffer.

But - I could feel I hadn't dug deep enough. Something else was bothering me ... and after a conversation with my Sister Friday, (thank you so much Laura), it finally became clear. It was those final moments -- I left the room and the Vet didn't bother to wait for me to return.

I 'expected' to return, get 'comfortable, look into his completely coherent eyes and tell him how great my love for him was. I expected a few moments to mentally prepare myself and then to be ASKED if I was ready to begin. Instead, I returned to the room - to find myself immediately thrust into a procedure already begun.

Do I think the Vet purposefully did this to worsen my pain? Of course not. However, as a Vet - this is something he should have 'known' - or thought of. I SHOULD have been in that room from start to finish. He should have given me a moment.

Obviously, I realize what is done is done - I can't have a do over - but I also believe it important - when I am calm enough - to speak with him so he knows his decision increased my grief and made my ability to let go that much harder. Maybe I can save someone else the added pain.