I’ll be under my rock now

There are some things, I don't understand.  I TRY, but lately it seems like the whole world is imploding and the only thing I feel is a deep aching sadness.  A few friends have reached out to me (thank you for checking on me) and instead of being able to lean upon anyone – I feel like I’m digging further and further under my rock – or - under the weight – of the world. 

Over the last week(+) – I’ve read news articles, I’ve watched video clips, I’ve read memes and my friends ‘personal opinions’ – and I’ve cried more than anyone knows.

I am a highly sensitive individual.  I am empathic.  If you don’t know what it means to be empathic, in a nut-shell - The trademark of an empath is feeling and absorbing other people’s emotions and, or, physical symptoms.

I feel EVERYTHING and I feel it on a level few people can ever feel or even comprehend.  So, I’ve cried, I’ve had ‘stomach issues’, my sadness and anxiety are through the roof. 

As if Politics and Covid haven’t been more than enough, now we’ve experience the death of yet another (black) man – George Floyd.  I am greatly grieved by this – beyond words, beyond measure.  WHY is this still happening?

I lost a long-standing friend a few days ago.  She posted a meme.  I responded.  I take the responsibility that I could have ‘thought through’ my response, perhaps worded it better or differently and maybe even contacted her through PM.  But, I didn’t.

The message or question – I was trying to impart – was never addressed.  There was no dialogue.  I was pointing out MY perspective on the way the meme was worded, not my thoughts about her personally.  She took it as a personal attack and as I’ve said before, it’s all about perspective.  In this case, mine and hers and sadly – her hurt and anger overshadowed a dialogue.  I respect her decision while being saddened by it.  She was a good friend. I wish her well.

But back to the current state of affairs.  I 'get' that the rioting, looting etc is due to anger and there is reason to be angry.  I do not deny that.  But I also think nearly everyone that saw the video agreed the cop was clearly in the wrong.  The officer was arrested and charged.  Hopefully justice will be served.  Further God help us if there isn’t some ‘real change’ in the way SOME police officers relate to the public. SOME officers.  Not ALL officers.  Many of these men and women put their lives on the line and DO SERVE the public and a few have recently lost their lives due to this crisis.  Is THAT fair?  Did their lives not matter?

I feel like the message (which was a pertinent one) and some of those who may have even had real power and been a vehicle for change has being lost by the current violence.  So, let’s take the ‘white equation’ out of this - just for a moment. 

As I've read or heard of blacks who have lost their businesses or worse, been killed during these riots (not that it should be a free for all on other races, but I’m making a point here).  If we are arguing black lives matter, then I am more and more confused. 

What did these blacks have to do with the killing of George Floyd? Why are they suffering consequences to their businesses or worse to their lives?  Don’t their lives matter?  How is this even logical?

I’ll be under my rock now – don’t bother to look, I’m entrenching deeper

Sam out