Being In Love vs. Love


It seems to me, many people think “falling in love” and “love” are the same thing. I disagree. I believe they are two different experiences.
Falling in love is a feeling. It happens more frequently and easily than love. It is infatuation, passion and attraction. The feelings are powerful, even bordering on obsession. This is why the beginning of most relationships are very intense. A person can feel high and if it breaks apart at this point they can feel a sense of withdrawal similar to an addict needing a fix. It simply – hurts.
There is a scientific basis for the experience. It’s been proven certain feel good and bonding endorphins like dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, oxytocin (and others) fire when we fall in love and when we ‘make-love’.
Whether “falling in love” eventually translates into “love” remains to be seen, but this experience cannot be discounted. It is very real and powerful and many times it is the launching-pad for a relationship to deepen into love.
If people stay together after this honeymoon phase, ‘reality’ sets in. We begin to see our partner as they really are – not our idealized version. It is then that people frequently break up (they fall out of love) or, they stay together and this is when the journey to “love” begins.
Love goes far beyond feeling. It has to do with commitment. You love even when you’re angry or even if you don’t like them sometimes, because underneath it all you realize we are all human and this is ‘your person’. We all have strengths and weaknesses; but, you know, they are worth it.
We look for a person whose quirks match our own. They get us. We have common interest, common outlooks and common goals - the good times outweigh the difficulties – because all relationships go through some difficulty at some time – whether that is sickness, financial, family – whatever…but knowing that this person is a great one, we stick, we commit to each other – for the long haul.
I have also heard people say passion dies in a long-term relationship after people love but are no longer in love. It is my opinion it doesn’t HAVE to. If passion has died it’s because the people involved became complacent, they got disinterested, they stopped trying…and that is on them.
I believe we can remain in love with the person we love, but it takes work to keep the relationship and passion alive and some simply aren’t equipped or don’t choose to do the work. Yet, isn’t a relationship the very definition of something being “a labor of love”? Gosh if that isn’t worth it, then tell me what is?
I’ve seen a few examples of these kind of relationships. Long term marriages or partnerships where both people are committed to it. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever witnessed. I want THAT. I want to fall in love – and then watch that turn to love while retaining the ‘in love’ too – constructing something real and for the long-haul. I can build on that – I’m willing to. Anything else is a waste of my time.
Sam out

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